May 22, 2024


We Do Fine Home

Emergency housekeeping rules for the SS Heart of the Sun

From: Captain Frieda LaMontagne

To: All crew associates (other than Ensign Renard In a position and his acolytes)

Issue: Emergency housekeeping principles for the ongoing tentacline mould circumstance

It is no coincidence that the SS Coronary heart of the Solar is regarded the Spacefleet’s top rated trash collector. As I like to remind you all, a tidy ship indicates a tidy Solar Method. And because of our tough function, Coronary heart of the Sunlight has been the winner of the Spacefleet’s Tidy Ship award for 7 many years running. Much more importantly, our perseverance to cleanliness has aided us stay clear of the type of mishaps experienced by the SS Dreadnought (RIP).

Regrettably, our benchmarks have slipped. It breaks my coronary heart that our thoroughly clean and successful ship has remodeled into a vessel of tentacloid evil.

You have most likely listened to the rumours about Ensign Renard Ready. I want to make it distinct that every rumour you’ve listened to is accurate — except for the a single about the overall body-cleansing robots. They are really safe and sound to use, even in your delicate regions.

Whilst I uncover it disheartening that I have to have to update the basic principles of ship housekeeping with regulations that must be obvious, this is where by we find ourselves.

Don’t forget, subsequent these guidelines will maintain us harmless and healthier. If we do so, none of us need to be involved that Heart of the Sun harbours a darkness that threatens to take in us all.

Rule 1: Plainly label your foods by producing your title on the container, and only your name.

Rule 2: Do not eat any nourishment pack that you have not labelled on your own. That usually means that when Ensign Capable opened the fridge and uncovered a nutrition pack with the terms “Ensign Ready, consume this. You are going to love it” he should not have tasted it. Any fool would must have suspected Tentacline Empire interference, built to introduce tentacloid mould into our fleet.

Rule 3: If you, like Ensign Able, are much too damn stupid to recall rules 1 and 2, and you take in a pack loaded with tentacloid mould, operate to the sick bay right away.

Rule 4: If you do not make it to sick bay, make sure you vomit into the squander duct, which will suck the bile and tentacloid mould into the chilly vacuum of area. Do not be like Ensign Able, who vomited throughout the flooring, tables, chairs and kitchen towels. And on the spatulas.

Rule 5: If you have vomited across the kitchen, DO NOT Run THE VACUUM Robotic.

Rule 6: If you uncover Ensign In a position or any other crew member operating the vacuum robot in excess of vomited tentacloid mould, which is now smeared throughout each individual inch of the ground, and they tell you it’s only brownie batter and question you to taste it to see if it requires far more vanilla, really don’t be an idiot and imagine them.

Rule 7: Do not listen to Ensign Able’s arguments. Make sure you remember that tentacloid mould was engineered by the Tentacline Empire to rewrite the human anxious process to make us agree to their unlawful dark-make any difference harvesting. No matter what Ensign Ready tells you, darkish-issue harvesting is nevertheless banned less than the Earth–Tentacline Accord.

Rule 8: If Ensign Capable insists he has ‘information’ about the genuine ‘facts’ of dim-matter harvesting, do not endeavor to argue with him. You are not able to argue with tentacloid mould-mind. He will only grow to be a lot more specified in his sights.

Rule 9: Protocols demand that all dim-matter tatters we confiscate from the Tentacline Empire’s stealth ships be stored in tamper-proof packing containers. If Ensign Capable and his team of followers check with you for the codes to open up the bins, professing the packing containers are aspect of a deep-ship conspiracy to undermine your particular freedoms, do not engage. Use spray foam to develop a barrier involving the mould-brains and the rest of the ship.

Rule 10: If you fall short to comprise the mould-infected crew customers, they will endeavor to overrun the ship and steer it into one particular of the Tentacline Empire’s household ports. No subject what they say, the Tentaclines are not our ‘friends’ or ‘strong allies’. At all situations, you need to have on ear-mutes to block out the sound of their mould-motivated praise for the Tentaclines.

Rule 11: If you have unsuccessful to stick to policies 1 to 10, your captain will initiate Procedure Clean Flush.

Rule 12: Following the trash-haul robots have been repurposed to forcefully inject a mould antidote that will result in the most painful 48 hrs of one’s lifetime, afflicted crew associates will be locked in their cabins until they exhibit a tolerance for info, such as that darkish-matter harvesting is unlawful because it will direct to the collapse of the Universe.

Rule 13: Even with our very best initiatives, we continue to have not been equipped to identify Ensign Ready and quite a few of his acolytes. They may well be hiding in the vents. Therefore, if you move a ventilation duct and listen to a haunting melody praising the deliciousness of dark subject, with distant voices joining in from other distant sites in the bowels of the ship, do not hear. Locate your ear-mutes and engage them promptly, then report your location to your Captain — and if the voices invite you into the air flow program for a poetry slam with other ‘open minded’ varieties, back absent little by little from the airduct.

Cleanse room, ship and head,

Captain LaMontagne

The story at the rear of the story

Aimee Picchi reveals the inspiration powering Emergency housekeeping guidelines for the SS Heart of the Sun.

This tale arrived about at a certain moment in record — after the 2016 US presidential election, I had travelled to Washington DC with relatives and good friends for the Women’s March in January 2017. It was an very effective event. Amusing, shifting and inspiring — but with an underlying stress and anxiety that the darkness was only going to deepen.

That weekend of the Women’s March, I took part in a flash crafting contest in which you could choose a title from a substantial assortment that experienced been provided by other writers. This just one caught my eye simply because it recommended the notion of striving vainly to hold buy when points about you are likely extremely, really incorrect.

The problem of ‘fake news’ has only grown since then, of study course. And for a though, I hoped that the plague of misleading information would disappear right after the 2020 election (ha). But the pandemic has only furnished a far more fertile ground for conspiracy theories and misinformation. For some persons, the lure of tentacline mould-brain could be merely a lot more interesting than details.